Scadalous/ Saturday, March 11
11th march..fer kai:when u're outta sight..maybe u tend to be outta mind..sry..fer neglectin u..and yeah..we did saee..u're the one who brought us even closer..and we muz keep this bond..becuz it's the last thing u ever gave us..but..kai..it's painful..infact..i hate to go tmr..i hate to think back..i hated the scenes...i hated the awfully familiar smell of tt place..i hated tt unsympathetic cold placee..i hated tt deafeaning silence..i hated every tear which rolled down my cheek..i hated tt exasperatin feeling...i hated tt helplessness...i hated tt faith i gave..which gave no return..most of all..i hated the sight of u..cuz each sight of u..brought me intense pain and remorse..i did u so much wrong..and i nv had a chance to sae the things i wanted to sae..even til noww..i wun..and nv will haf the chance to sae anymore..i hated the things i did to u..i hated the wae i treated u when u were so forgiving towards mee...i hated myself..fer bringing pain to u and her..u taught mee..the value of forgiveness..and it's still etched in me so deeply..i'll nv forget the wae u told mee..'i had nv blame u qian'...now it's back..it's tt feeling again..it's the feeling of wanting smtg back so badly..even fer a min...it's enuff..all i need..is a min of u..to let me tell the unfinished..to let me tell u i nv hated u..to let me tell u more..to tell u de truth..in fact....kai..i want u back..everyone wants u back..it's walking into tt deep valley of sadness again..and i dun wan tt..even if i were to see u in my dreams..it's enuff..but y wun u cum back..it's been a yr..and i haven seen u at all..everything...seems to play like a film w/o sound in my head..it's running so fast..it seems like yesterdaee..it hasn't been easy..fer us to ferget the whole thing..and i feel ur pain kai...each timee i think abt how u suffered before and aft...my heart bleeds..ur mum told mee..how u did wake up in the middle of the nitee..to hug and cry to her..and tt she's nv seen u this down in ur whole entirely 19 yr of life..and i'm resentfuL..i wasn't dere fer u when u needed me most..yet u were there fer me when i needed sumone most..i still hated myself..fer turning down the sentosa trip for other things..and i guess..i should haf learnt..nv to keep procrastinatin thinking everything should be finee..cuz i simply took..everything fer granted..i knew u were down..yet u juz wanted a simple tok by the beach..and i couldn't grant tt..a few daes ltr..u fell..i rememebered how u walked me tt long stretch of road..juz keeping quiet..til we finally reached a bus stop far and beyond..we dun even noe where..i remembered all the times back stagee..and the time at the staircase..when i was juz mean and nasty to u..yet u nv blamed mee..and i knew u didn't...i missed the times..5 of us sat down in the canteen..to haf lunch..and the last time..was at hard rock..and i..dun even feel good abt tt place anymoree..it's too painful..it's beyond wad ppl can take..thinking back..i feel slashes and daggers in mee..dere are still so mani things unfinished..let me see u noww..and i can exchange fer anything in the world material or wadsoever...juz let me see u one last timee..to tell the unfinished..i'm afraid..i'll lose control of myself tmr...i'm afraid i'll lose it..i realli miss ya so much..yet i noee..dere's nth i can do in this world..to get u back anymoree..and the feeling of wanting sumthing very very very badly yet u noe u can nv nv nv achieve it..jzu sux...it's not like u wan a super nice fonee..yet u sae u cannot get it..cuz it's ex..tt's not cannot haff..it's cuz u dun wan to part with the money..it ain't saying u love this guy..and u can nv haf him cuz he dun love u..cuz he's still alive..it's when u lose sumthing..and no one can ever replace tt..it matters.....it's when sumone pass awaee..and u can nv haf him/her back...tt's losing him...i dun wan..and i can't afford to lose anyone anymoree..i once was numb with sadness..maybe i was drowned in it..and it hasn't been easy..i...still hate tt last scene of goodbye..it did pierce right thru mee like an arrow and bow thru bull's eye..i love u kai..and i miss u...u leave my soul breathless again
indulgence in the wee hrs 0f..
1:23:00 AM
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